Whomsoever coined this phrase and thought they were referencing good sleep clearly never had a baby. Because if they did, they would know that this is what 'sleeping like a baby' looks like. At least, it's what sleeping like a baby looks like when you're talking about the baby we know as Zia.
Step 1: When it becomes clear that The Parents are trying to get you to sleep, fight it like it's an intruder into your home in the middle of the night or the worst form of injustice imaginable. Yell, scream, flail your arms, cry, and kick your feet stridently.
Step 2: Continue this while being bounced on a blown-up ball, with a pacifier in your mouth and something covering your eyes, music in the background, and a comfort blanket (i.e. lovey) tucked under your arm. If it's Daddy putting you to sleep, you also need something that smells like Mommy or you should yell REALLY loud.
Step 3: Finally succumb to sleep, with a few flails of arms occasionally just to keep the person putting you to sleep guessing.
Step 4: Give a few little jiggles while being carried back to the place you're supposed to sleep.
Step 5: Once put down where you're meant to sleep, open your eyes and move a little. You can opt to wake up altogether and return to Step 2 at this point, if you so choose.
Step 6: If you're willing to sleep, then this is where you sleep through a deep sleep and look extremely peaceful. (This is where 'sleeping like a baby' is desirable. Only here.) Note that this only lasts 20-45 minutes.
Step 7: Once you hit an active state of sleep and realize that your pacifier is no longer in your mouth, roll around, flail your arms, and yell for help.
Step 8A: Once the pacifier is restored to your mouth, slowly calm down and return to Step 6. You may need some pats on the back and shushing to help you with the calming down.
Step 8B: Alternately, continue to roll around with the pacifier in your mouth, occasionally spitting it out and yelling for it again, until you have been picked up and returned to Step 2 (or a modified version of it, in the glider).
Repeat 6-8 until you are truly awake or your parent gives up having to repeat all of the rigamaroll. Victory! You are awake and get to look at everything and get attention again!! Or, maybe you wore Mommy or Daddy out so much that you get this:
In which case, that also counts as victory because you get a warm body and a heartbeat to sleep to. Ah, the good ole days in the womb...
Makes ya think twice about saying you slept like a baby, huh? Maybe we should say 'like a worn-out parent' when someone asks how we slept and we slept especially well ...
Step 1: When it becomes clear that The Parents are trying to get you to sleep, fight it like it's an intruder into your home in the middle of the night or the worst form of injustice imaginable. Yell, scream, flail your arms, cry, and kick your feet stridently.
Step 2: Continue this while being bounced on a blown-up ball, with a pacifier in your mouth and something covering your eyes, music in the background, and a comfort blanket (i.e. lovey) tucked under your arm. If it's Daddy putting you to sleep, you also need something that smells like Mommy or you should yell REALLY loud.
Step 3: Finally succumb to sleep, with a few flails of arms occasionally just to keep the person putting you to sleep guessing.
Step 4: Give a few little jiggles while being carried back to the place you're supposed to sleep.
Step 5: Once put down where you're meant to sleep, open your eyes and move a little. You can opt to wake up altogether and return to Step 2 at this point, if you so choose.
Step 6: If you're willing to sleep, then this is where you sleep through a deep sleep and look extremely peaceful. (This is where 'sleeping like a baby' is desirable. Only here.) Note that this only lasts 20-45 minutes.
Step 7: Once you hit an active state of sleep and realize that your pacifier is no longer in your mouth, roll around, flail your arms, and yell for help.
Step 8A: Once the pacifier is restored to your mouth, slowly calm down and return to Step 6. You may need some pats on the back and shushing to help you with the calming down.
Step 8B: Alternately, continue to roll around with the pacifier in your mouth, occasionally spitting it out and yelling for it again, until you have been picked up and returned to Step 2 (or a modified version of it, in the glider).
Repeat 6-8 until you are truly awake or your parent gives up having to repeat all of the rigamaroll. Victory! You are awake and get to look at everything and get attention again!! Or, maybe you wore Mommy or Daddy out so much that you get this:
Makes ya think twice about saying you slept like a baby, huh? Maybe we should say 'like a worn-out parent' when someone asks how we slept and we slept especially well ...
No comments:
Post a Comment