For Comparison's Sake

Since I said it was so different two weeks later, I thought I'd prove it! It's absolutely amazing to me what a difference two weeks can make!!

Sight for Sore Eyes

We have arrived at the final sensory post: sight. 

It's fitting, as there's finally something to report visually, as I'm finally developing a belly! It's so fascinating how different it is for everyone. In fact, at my prenatal yoga class today, there were three of us in a row who were in our 28th weeks -- two of us are due March 11, and one March 9. And our bellies were all so different! Of course, our bodies are different to start with, but it's still fascinating to me!

It's even more fascinating how quickly it's changing. It was just two weeks ago that I suddenly had a belly (this photo is two weeks old now -- I have to get a new one uploaded), and now it's expanding practically by the day. We saw my co-worker today, and she said it was different from just Friday, two days ago! 

When we got to Hawaii, I thought my ankles had also already plumped out, but then I realized that A) it was hot, and B) we had just gotten off the plane. *Whew!* I had a moment of panic, thinking that I knew that the ankle explosion was coming but that I wasn't prepared for three months of it! The belly I want; the tree trunk legs/ankles I could do without!

The other things that are visually changing are that my hair really does grow faster, and my toenails are out of control. I keep thinking I'm going to scratch Mo to death while I'm sleeping -- and that he'll end up tangled up within my hair -- you know, just like the new Rapunzel movie.

And I know this is just the beginning ... my visual will continue to be radically different from here on out! It's such a bizarre/fascinating process!

Super Schnaz

If this nose could talk, it would tell you the following:

1. There IS such a thing as WAY too much perfume/cologne. (And it doesn't take much, folks.)

2. Your smoking DOES affect other people.

3. Smelling a big order of Chinese food can make me want Chinese food, regardless of how greasy it is and how badly I know I will feel afterward.

4. Baking always smells good. (Okay, well this is always true, but I thought I'd throw it in. Yum.)

I like to think that none of this is out of the ordinary for me, but I do have to say that the sense of smell has been heightened the last few months. As I've now become a casual carpooler, I find myself trapped in the confined space of another person's car on an almost daily basis, with no control over the amount of extra stinkage the driver or my fellow passenger has put on for the day -- or whether they have smoked just prior to entering the car. I just have to suck it up (literally) and bear it for the 20-minute ride in.

This happens in my office too, that people come in for our services and I'm trapped in my office, which is admittedly larger than a car, with nowhere to run for the duration of our meeting, which is often an hour. Aahh!! I feel assaulted!

I'll be curious to see if it feels any different for me post-birth, or if I'm just buying into others telling me that it's currently heightened. It just feels so obvious when there's something that is attacking my nose that I find it hard to believe that it's a result of extra-sensitivity, and not just something totally obvious. To all.

Doomed already?

What's with the gloomy outlook, you're wondering? How could Blueberry be doomed already?

A simple five-letter word: sugar.

I swore I was going to be the model mother, healthy as can be. My friend told me back in October about this book 'Origins' that talks about the effects of food on the baby in utero, and I meant to get it right away. In my defense, I think I've been on the hold list for it at the library since the beginning of November and haven't managed to secure it yet. So in the meantime, I've addicted Blueberry to sugar.

I guess it only makes sense that blueberries are served with sugar? Okay, fine. It's because I'm addicted to sugar. I *love* sugar. It's not entirely my fault. I come from an ice cream family. I'm only trying to pass on traditions, which is what parents are supposed to do, right?

As I mentioned in the feeling post, we have noticed somewhat of a trend when I OD on sugar, where Blueberry's dance craze gets kicked up to the level of Saturday Night Fever meets krumping. 

I'm going to go ahead and further humiliate myself by fessing up to what I ate one day when we were in Texas for Thanksgiving. We had passed an ice cream place that Mo, his brothers, and our sister-in-law all said was the best ice cream in Texas, so OF COURSE I insisted that we go. What kind of a Hymans would I be if I didn't?! While there, Mo ordered sorbet that he decided he didn't really like, so after I finished my two scoops of deliciousness, I finished off his sorbet -- and then helped his brother clean up his brownie sundae. (It would be a Hymans sin to throw it away!!) That night, his family had a party at their house, where I was obligated to eat my mother-in-law's *delicious* (no, really -- it's so yummy -- straight milk & sugar) rasmalai. And there was pecan pie, which you only eat at this time of year, so I had a slice of that too. Okay, fine; I had two. And yes, this was all in one day.

Suffice it to say that Blueberry was having a veritable rager in my belly that night. I think all the neighbors were there and they were having a full-on dance-off, with the bass booming.


It's funny, because I haven't really noticed any of the cravings I'm 'supposed' to get as a pregnant person. When people ask Mo what I've been craving, he just says, 'the usual'. (i.e. ice cream and other sugar yumminesses!) 


Oh well. I guess there are worse things than dooming Blueberry to a life of sugar. And really, it's clear that Blueberry appreciates the opportunity to dance it off! So it turns out I'm a fabulous mother, after all.

 

The Latest Dance Craze

Next up in our sensory exploration: touch! (I type as mosquitoes are nipping at my legs while I'm back on our lanai, soaking in the humidity of a rainy morning.)

Blueberry has really gotten the hang of this moving around thing. I want to get better at following the patterns of it, but it definitely picks up after I eat. (In fact, more about that in an upcoming post on taste!) It still feels more like swimming around and moving than kicking, though there are a few kick-like movements thrown in here and there for effect. I like to think that Blueberry has recognized the music of my organs (no coincidence of the double meaning of that word, methinks) and has created its own dance/workout routine to it -- you know, like the latest version of Zumba or something. Most likely something involving Broadway with some Bollywood flair and karaoke while you dance. While looking as peaceful as the baby in this picture, of course.


I've taken to playing a kick game with Blueberry. I read about it that it was a good activity to do a couple times a day for 10 minutes at a time, on a regular schedule. Well, since keeping routines is not my strength (I leave that to Mo), I just play whenever Blueberry is moving around. It just involves me poking back so that s/he knows that I'm there and ready to play! One time, though, it felt like my hand moved over something, and I got worried that I had broken something. I mean, it is only 14 inches long and not yet 2 pounds at this point, so I can't imagine that bones and muscles are exactly pliable! I was worried for a bit, but once it was back swimming around again, I figured we were okay.

It was a couple weeks ago where it finally got to the point where Mo could feel Blueberry moving, and that was a really fun moment. He got pretty excited about it, though he does get impatient waiting since Blueberry doesn't generally oblige with an immediate movement after the one that has brought me to bring his hand to my belly. He waits about 30 seconds and then just moves his hand back to groping me. Two nights ago, though, as we were watching a movie, Blueberry did give a good kick that Mo didn't even realize was a kick until I moved my hand to my belly. He said, 'Was that Blueberry? I felt that even without my hand on your belly!' I think that was the climax of the dance routine, with the full jazz hands.

Mo's so tactile as it is that I'm sure Blueberry will get more than plenty touch stimulation once s/he joins us in the outside world. That I'm not worried about.

Auditory Stimulation

We're in Hawaii! On the island of Hawaii! We finally did it -- we finally took a vacation! A honeymoon. A babymoon. Whatever you call it, we're away for a whole week, and it doesn't involve family. (No offense, our beloved families. We love you and thoroughly enjoy visiting you, but it's not quite the same as a getaway vacation! In fact, we're packing it all into a month's time -- visiting both of you AND our vacation! See? Proof that we do love you.)

It seems like there's no better place to get into the sensory reflection on pregnancy I've been promising than Hawaii, which is full of sensory delights.

As we are sitting here on our lanai (porch) enjoying the view of our lush yard, feeling the sun on my skin and the breeze against my face, I am particularly noting the auditory delights of the birds in the area. It's too bad I didn't spend more time with my mom's brother Jim, the ornithologist, growing up, to be able to know more about their calls. But I can appreciate their beauty without knowledge of who they are. Last night, we went to sleep to the sounds of the coqui frogs, so there's always someone singing to us!

We've determined that Blueberry enjoys my singing. It's sad now that my season with the Berkeley Broadway Singers is over; I don't have a regular weekly singing engagement. However, I have been asked to be the featured singer at an open mic in January, so I have something to work toward!

We read that around Week 20, Blueberry was able to start hearing our voices. Mo read that all of the sounds within my body (heartbeat, blood rushing, intestines working etc. -- isn't it weird to think that there are sounds happening inside of you?!) are equivalent of the roar of a lawn mower. He therefore deduced that he should *scream* when talking with Blueberry. After about a week of him yelling directly into my belly, I finally convinced him that talking directly to the baby should suffice. Thank goodness today's Baby Center update (26 weeks) said that the baby's auditory capabilities have now  developed to the point that s/he could probably hear us in conversation. *Whew!* I was worried that he was ensuring our child would be death with the yelling.

So, every night, Mo has made a ritual out of talking to Blueberry to be sure that s/he becomes familiar with his voice too. He tells him/her about his day, says 'I love you!' and talks about how excited he is for him/her to join us in the world. It's very cute.

We tried to convince all of his family members to talk with Blueberry too when we were there over Thanksgiving, but the only one brave enough to give it a go was Asad, who did it somewhat reluctantly and couldn't bring himself to talk directly to my belly -- he was more bent halfway over, a good couple of feet from the belly. He has a reputation to uphold, you know.

I want to make more of a ritual of playing music for Blueberry. Our friend Jessica (who just had her baby a week ago, by the way, in case I forgot to mention that last time -- we got to meet little Aixa on Saturday before we left, and Mo was enthralled with her all wrapped up like a burrito sleeping on Cesar's chest -- he kept saying, 'I want one!') gave me a set of Belly Buds, which are basically belly earphones so I can play music directly for Blueberry. (I know -- it's ridiculous the amount of products they've come up with these days. I didn't want to buy them since they're useful for such a short period, but since they've been handed down to me, I'll use them!) I'll have to find a regular time of day for that to help Blueberry build a schedule.

Okay, back to enjoying these Hawaiian delights directly.

Grandparent Exploration

First, it must be noted that I am typing this somewhere approximately 30,000 feet above Utah. Yes, we now have free WiFi on flights too! And thank goodness, seeing as how all we're doing for the next month is flying, so I'm not sure when I'm going to get to update this -- and like I said, there's lots more to update these days.

I know that I promised a 5-part series on the senses, but I'll get to that.

We're on our way back from visiting Nomi's (i.e. Mo's) family for Thanksgiving. It was fun to see the enthusiasm of his parents at becoming grandparents. Because this is going to be a first grandchild on both sides, you know. Though David & Sara are only one month behind us, so my parents are getting a double whammy grandparent run!

Since both sets of our parents live flights away, it's difficult for us to figure out how to involve them in the pregnancy process. So one thing we did while in Texas was to start discussing names with Mo's parents. His mom had mentioned earlier that she wanted to give us a list that I could choose from (because she says that the mom gets to choose, for some reason). So instead we sat down as group with her, Mo's dad, and his brother Asad and called up a couple of websites with Pakistani names. It was pretty comical going through the list, trying to figure out which ones would be disasters in the context of the United States (bad rhyming potentials, would always have to tell people how to pronounce it and it would still be challenging, etc.). Some were just downright disasters to begin with -- like Wadud (Wah-dude). That's just no way to start out your child's life.

But we ended up with a good starting list. And now we can go to Wisconsin at the end of the month and double the list!

Mo's parents have said that they would like to buy us a stroller. We have told them that we want to be able to choose it so that we can be sure to get one that we like. They were ready to go get us one while we were there, but we were only prepared to do our initial scouting. Getting this through to them was a major feat in and of itself. In fact, even when we left the store saying that we wanted to go home to do some research since there are a ridiculous amount of options, Mo's dad still said later that he had tried to find the one we liked best so far "on the line" to buy (as Mo's mom calls the internet) the night before but wasn't sure which model it was! Aahh!!

It was also hilarious watching Mo's dad, an engineer, waxing philosophical about which ones were worthy of purchasing and which were total crap. And trying to figure out how to work them with all the tricks of breaking it down to put in the car. He'd quickly lose patience with my own figuring out and take over, only to take longer and press at non-existent buttons. Since the employee was also clueless, a friendly customer in-the-know intervened at oen point and enlightened us as to the trick. Mo & I were having a very hard time not laughing.

But, we're on our way. In lieu of a stroller, we had them buy us a few items of clothing, a portable diaper changing thingy, and a monkey play mat. Which of course didn't fit in a suitcase, so we've been lugging it around airports all day and had to have the flight attendant store it in a separate spot since it doesn't even fit in the overhead bin.

But at least we got to do something baby-related together -- and don't worry, they'll still be getting us a stroller.

Transitions

And, I'm back. I've really actually missed this, so I'm happy to be back at it. And hopefully I'll be more active now again. We moved in the midst of all of this, so I was caught up in packing. And then moving. And then unpacking. And then not having internet yet in our new place. (Aahh!!)

I have all kinds of updates for you, but they'll have to be spread out. Otherwise, what would I have to talk about?!

So for now I'll tell you about the new place. It took me a bit to convince Mo that we needed an additional bedroom and more space. For those of you who didn't see our old place, it was a bit like this:

 Okay, maybe not *quite* that bad, but that's what it felt like. And it wasn't a whole lot cheaper than that. So now, for just a little more than that price, we have a whole additional bedroom, a whole additional bathroom, a broom closet, a jacket closet, a separate dining area, a usable balcony, access to an outdoor courtyard, a walk-in closet in the bedroom, somewhere to store our bikes (that isn't our balcony), tons of kitchen cupboard space, sliding kitchen shelves for the pots and pans, and more drawers than I know what to do with! (Okay, just kidding. They're all full already -- but it was so fun filling them with things that were crammed in boxes and bins and shoved on top of each other in one closet before.)

Now it's a bit more like this:

So what this means is that, in theory, we have a room for Blueberry. Of course, in practice, it's also becoming the computer room, guest room, closet for all my Pakistani clothes, etc. It *might* require some modification as we go along.

But in the meantime, we're having fun settling in and are enjoying our new location close to all kinds of fabulous things. And we're no longer streetside, which means that we don't have to listen to the building door buzzing people in all night long, motorcycles zooming by, car alarms going off, partiers coming home jabbering at each other, or trucks bumbling along. It's delightful. Yes, we have the freeway a block and a half away, but that immediately become white noise. Ocean, right?

We still need some furniture and things to round it out. And since Mom was coming to visit, lots of the annoying small things that still needed to find homes got shoved in the closet to make the place livable for her visit -- to be dealt with later. (No, really!) 

But at least it feels like a place we can call the first home for Blueberry!

In other news, I haven't updated the Baby Score in a while. Honestly, I've lost track. Because at least one has been added to the pregnant side, and one moved to the new baby side last weekend. So I'll have to figure out the actual score and get back to you, but it must be something like 6-12 at this point.

Stay tuned for my one-sense-at-a-time look at the current stage of pregnancy!

Just keep swimming!

I've definitely started detecting movement from Blueberry. It's very weird. At first it was difficult to tell if it was movement or just gas, since it mostly just felt like a little pressure.

After seeing the ultrasound and seeing Blueberry moving around, though, it made it easier to understand that I was feeling her moving around in me, like he's swimming back and forth. It must be kind of like a fish, trapped in a fish bowl. 

Except that the fish bowl is IN MY STOMACH!!

So bizarre. And like my friend Nat said, just like the movie 'Alien'. There is a creature living in my stomach! Swimming around, sucking its thumb. And eating leftover ice cream.

Now it makes me wonder what effect my actions have on him as she's living in there. Like, the other night, I did a quick, sudden switch from my left side to my right side while I was in bed and chuckled, wondering if Blueberry was inside going, 'Whoa! Slow down there, lady!' Just prepping early to combat you from getting Daddy's motion sickness tendencies, Blueberry.

In any case, I hope that Blueberry is enjoying the ride -- I'll try to make it fun!

Nature vs. Nurture

I've always been pretty fascinated by nature vs. nurture. What parts of us were predicted the second the sperm hit the egg, and which parts are a result of our socialization? I don't think we'll ever really come to full answers on many of these questions, because of course both things are a factor.

But I had to laugh when our baby was (seemingly) happily sucking its thumb in utero on Thursday at our 'big' ultrasound. See it there? Cute, huh? Sucking away.

Why did I find this so funny? Because nature scored a point at that moment. Which leads me to another confession: I sucked my thumb for a long time. A LOOOONNNGGGG time. I sucked my thumb until I was in 2nd grade. Yes, that means that I was seven years old or something like that before I stopped.

Mom & Dad tried really hard to get me to stop. REALLY hard. But I was onto them. I'd wake up from the taste of that yucky crap they snuck into my room to plaster on my thumb, make a disgusted noise, and promptly march myself to the bathroom to wash it off and get back in bed to contentedly suck my thumb. And rub the corner of my pillow. I don't know how many pillows they must have had to buy for me in my younger years from rubbing through the covers. (Not of the pillow cases, but of the pillows themselves.) And really, it's a miracle that I never required orthodontic care. I don't know how I pulled that one off.


Observe -- thumb in mouth, other hand rubbing pillow. (I had to take a picture of a picture, so it didn't come out all that clear, but I think you get the idea.)

So, of course, since karma comes around and kids pay us back for what we did as kids, I thought it was hilarious that our kid is already getting me back for all that thumb-sucking-stopping rebellion -- before it's even become part of the world!

Joke's on me.

The ultrasound in general was pretty cool, though. At first, Blueberry was just chillin' out, causing frustration for blocking a view that the ultrasound intern needed. Then, Blueberry caught on that someone was playing with it, poking around, and started going crazy playing back. That baby was moving all over the place!

It's pretty amazing what technology can do these days, though. We saw the spine (wow!), heart, two legs, two arms, head, brain, belly, and all kinds of things that I didn't even know what they were. The ultrasound tech was remarking at 'gorgeous' body parts I've never heard of but was glad to hear that they're gorgeous. Cuz who doesn't want a gorgeous right ventricular septum (or whatever) for their kids?! I mean, really??

It was a bit long, though, I must admit. Particularly since we first had an intern and then the actual tech. Everything was therefore measured twice, and the focus was more on the lesson for the intern and less on delighting us with our baby's body parts -- we were more like accessories for their process. 

But pretty cool nonetheless. 

I went home and sucked my thumb.

Reverse Belly Envy

I never thought I'd find myself in this position, wishing that my belly was bigger. I've spent my whole life doing the opposite: eying with envy those with flat stomachs. 

Yes, yes, I've come to appreciate and love being curvy. But there's still always been something about the flat stomach that holds an allure for me. Wouldn't it be nice to feel comfortable baring my midriff for others to admire?

As long as I've already been confessing my quirks on here (i.e. my crazy even numbers thing, which by the way, has now been exacerbated by the fact that we found a new 2br apartment -- yay -- and the address is 561, with an apartment number 107 -- argh -- but I digress), I figure I may as well go far out and share one of my deepest irrationalities.

When I was a kid (not sure how old -- maybe around 10-12), I observed that I had this belly and others didn't. You see, my belly has always been such that it's a little round pot that sticks out the front. Okay, fine, two round hills with a valley in between and a lake in the valley (my belly button). As such, I was *absolutely* convinced that I was carrying my twin in my belly and that someday, I would all of a sudden give birth to it, and no one would believe that I hadn't had sex.

This was a very big worry to me back then. I'm sure you can see why. (Ha -- hey, Tara -- maybe I shouldn't be making fun of your hypochondria so much!!)

So you can see why it feels strange to me now to be wondering, "Hey, belly! When are you going to pop already and make it obvious what's going on?!"

When I tell people that I'm about halfway through my pregnancy these days, they look at me in disbelief and make comments about how I'm not showing and they can't believe I'm that far along.


The irony is that I can't even appreciate the fact that, for once, people are telling me that I'm small! I should be relishing this!!


But instead, I wander around looking at all the other pregnant women, longing for their cute bellies sticking out adorably in front of them, announcing to all what's going on. 


It's true that it is starting to pop this week, so I shouldn't have much more to go for my desire to come true. And it's also true that in a month or so, I'll be wishing that it would slow down already. Because my other irrational fear is that, because it (feels like) it's been slow in coming, it will suddenly start and not stop growing until it's the biggest pregnancy belly ever! Even bigger than the woman who had the eight kids!!

Maybe not quite that bad, but you get my drift ... 


Perhaps this is a good time to stop and work on living in the moment and appreciating the present. 


Or not. 

Bring on the belly!!

Discipline

Discipline and routine are not my strengths. I should be learning from Mo, for whom they are uber-strengths (perhaps to a fault). But apparently I'm not.

I like living freely, from moment to moment.

The problem is that I do better with greater structure around me. Yet I can't seem to bring myself to create it.

Hence, I haven't been maintaining a regular exercise routine. I promised myself that I would throughout the pregnancy, since well, for one, it's just sensible in life in general. But I also hear so much about how pilates and yoga help you in labor, staying fit helps you lose the weight afterward and promotes a more fit baby (and the smaller baby I'm pushing out, the better!), etc. So I know it's good for me, and I know I feel good when I do it, but here I am, sitting on the couch.

It doesn't help that I've recently allowed myself to get addicted to watching 'The Office' on Watch Instantly on Netflix. This is definitely NOT helping my discipline. (Though one could argue that I'm extremely disciplined in watching endless episodes...) I was in avoidance of the fact that it's my escape from my own office hell, but Mo finally called me on it. Which really only has given me further fuel that I need to watch in order to make it through the next 75 days. (Yes, I actually counted the number of days left to endure. It will actually be less than that, since I'll be taking days off for Christmas and a vacation. Hooray! Though I have to say that it seems like a large number at this point. I know, I know -- it will go quickly. Blah, blah, blah.)

It's not to say that I've been doing nothing. Because I have. But it's been rather haphazard.

I can't say that my eating habits have been exactly exemplary either. But again, not horrible.

There's just so much I could be doing to create systems, routines, discipline for myself. I'd love to incorporate regular meditation as well, for my own well-being to help with my crazy brain, and again to help ease the labor process.

But again, haphazard application thus far.

Breathe, patience. As always, trying to do too much at once. It just feels like more pressure now that I know that I'm supposed to be eating, exercising, feeling relaxed, etc. for an additional person! So then I already feel like a horrible mom for maintaining my regular lack of routines. But then, I think, I won't be able to sit myself down on the couch and watch episode after episode of 'The Office' in 5.5 months, so shouldn't I be able to now??



Yes, I think I should. But I guess it doesn't have to be one or the other.

Hello, strange body.

Perhaps something is happening after all. Although I don't feel like I'm showing (Mo disagrees still), other things are, admittedly, happening.

For example, I almost passed out on BART for the second time yesterday. Apparently my blood pressure is especially high at this stage of pregnancy, or something like this. I've learned not to even bother wearing my coat or sweater on BART if I'm wearing one that day. By the time I walk the four WHOLE blocks to the BART Station and get on, I'm overheated already and then get on the stuffy train and stand for the WHOLE 15-minute ride into San Francisco. 

And twice, it hasn't turned out so well. It's interesting to me how no one seems to care. I mean, it's not like I'm having a heart attack or some other dramatic event, but I *know* that a couple people have noticed as I strip layers, squat with my head between my legs, moving up and down trying to not feel like I'm a car about to start steaming out the hood and putter out. But nothing. No offers of seats, no inquiries as to my well-being -- just a bunch of strangers continuing to try to pretend that we're not in the same place at the same time. My Midwesternness gets in the way of me actually bothering someone to request their seat. They did, after all, get there first.

I just don't feel that I can yet pull the pregnant card since it's not so obvious -- yeah, whatever, lady; nice try -- I'm going nowhere from this seat!! I'm looking forward to that perk -- just walking onto BART with my belly proudly displayed, daring anyone to not offer me a seat! Ha!

And then there's the shortness of breath. I'll be the first to admit that I wasn't in as good of shape as I would have liked going into the pregnancy. So it's a bit difficult to tell what's out-of-shapedness and what's the growing number of pints (liters? quarts?) of blood flowing through my system. It was utterly humiliating a few weeks ago when I went hiking with Tara, with whom I'm usually pretty on par for hiking excursions, despite the obvious differences in our body structures (for those who know her). Mind you, we DID accidentally choose a trail that was nothing but straight up and up and up. But still, I'd never had to stop that often to catch my breath!

Yeah, that's pretty much how I felt -- maybe a walking stick would have helped. Afterward, we went to get our usual nachos and beer (well, sans the beer), and as we were walking back to the car, Tara noticed that I was getting a little out of breath going up a slight incline, which she felt confirmed that it was about the extra blood and that I wasn't THAT out of shape. Yes, yes indeed. I'm SURE that's all it is. Uh-huh.

There's also the newfound difficulty sleeping. Again, it's tough to tell if this is actually the pregnancy or if it's just the stress from my job (since I do generally wake up ranting at my boss, which leads to not being able to get back to sleep). This is all new for me in the last few months. Though I'm a fairly light sleeper, I generally don't have any trouble sleeping through the night (apart from the street noise outside our bedroom window), so this is not a welcome addition. Especially since I know that it's going to be a mainstay once Blueberry joins us in the world, so I'd like to be able to bank up now!

Becoming Real

Slowly but surely, this whole thing is becoming more real. We've already started accumulating baby stuff -- a friend who has a three-year-old passed on her Brest Friend and a Pack-n-Play. We put in an application for a 2-bedroom apartment. You know, it's posted on Facebook and stuff, so certainly, that makes it real!

The most fun, however, is watching it slowly sink in with Mo. He was excited all along, but now he's prone to random bursts of, 'There's a baby in there!! Aahh!! It's so exciting!!' He talks to Blueberry more now, saying that we love him/her and that we are going to have so much fun, telling him/her to have a good day with its mom -- cute little talks. 



He's also all excited about reading child development books. (Surprised, anyone?) He's already concerned about how to discipline and set boundaries and all those good things. If he had time, he'd be at the community college, taking a class. 

All in time, all in time. In the meantime, I'm enjoying his enthusiasm.

Oh! And there's an update to the baby:pregnancy score. My friend Bridget had a baby girl on Friday morning, their second! Hooray! And I found out another high school friend is pregnant -- 3-4 weeks ahead of me -- so that brings the tally to 5:10 (5 recently born, 10 pregnant). Seriously, I think I'm going to have to open a day care for people born within this year.

Score Update

As I was walking today, I re-counted the pregnant friends and I figured out who I was missing. And, I was also reminded of one more friend who has had a baby in the last few months.

So, the beginning score is:

4-10

14 friends for our Blueberry born within one year of each other! How exciting!

Muddling Through the System

First of all -- okay, I'm convinced. I am, in fact, pregnant. 16 weeks so, in fact.

I had another check-up on Monday. I needed that to convince myself that it was actually happening, despite no evidence that anything had gone awry since the last visit and ultrasound. Mo couldn't make it to this appointment, so I heard the heartbeat for the first time by myself. It's so fast! And my substitute doctor, who was also pregnant, found a free ultrasound machine and snuck it in to let me have a look-see. Sure enough, there was little Blueberry, moving around, measuring 11 cm in length!

It's all so weird.

Mo said this morning that he thinks I'm starting to show a little. I have to say that I agree with him. It's just hard to tell when you don't have a flat stomach to begin with. :) I'll keep you posted on that when there's something more to share. We took a 'before' picture earlier, so I'm going to try to find an outfit to wear that I'll be able to wear most of the way through to plot the changes each week. I just don't think we're there yet.

So yes, back to my substitute doctor. I'll spare you all the details, but I was really frustrated on Monday. They didn't tell me my appointment had been canceled. I *think* my doc is on family leave until November 30, although I got conflicting responses. So that leaves me with trying to figure out if I should switch providers, since I don't know what's going on with her.

I already don't like the fact that, in a mammoth system like we're in (Kaiser), I have NO idea who will be present at my birth and it's just the luck of the draw. So at the very least I want someone with whom I have a relationship leading up to the birth. I've already had that interrupted once now, so I'm not excited about it happening again.

But there's a glitch. 

If I stay at the Oakland center, I checked out all the ObGyn's yesterday on their online 'switch doctors' page. Out of 22 available Ob's,  something like 17 were female and 5 were male. Guess which 17 weren't accepting new patients, and guess which 5 were?! 

Ugh.

With all due respect to the many men in my life who I think are fabulous, I do NOT want a male doctor coaching me through the pregnancy process. No, thank you. I want someone who's actually physically been through the process. So, today, I will go searching through other Kaiser centers to figure this out. I wanted to figure out what the process is with the midwife they have available at the Walnut Creek center, so might as well start now!

On a happier note, I'm now up to NINE friends who are pregnant. (I thought it was ten, but I can't for the life of me remember who the tenth was...) So, I'm going to start keeping score on here. For now, we're at 3-9 (three recently born and nine on the way). I'll keep you updated on the changes!

The Gender Question

I've been amazed at how much we've already been asked if we know what gender the baby is (not possible yet) and if we're going to find out. And how many people simply assume that we'll be finding out and want to be told as soon as we know. 

So I thought I'd give a bit of an explanation here as to why no one will be getting an answer to that question until the birth.

It's multifaceted.

For one, it's important to us (well, I guess I should only be speaking for myself here) to do our (um, my) best not to make our child feel like it's supposed to be one certain way because it's a boy or a girl. I want the child to feel like it can identify itself however it wants, regardless of whatever biological sex may be identified to it at birth. 

Now, I understand from friends with kids that they've been amazed at how many things their kids are naturally drawn to that are in line with the socialized gender roles/options, when they purposefully tried to expose them to other options. So I'm not saying that I would force a boy, for example, to play with traditionally girl-identified things like dolls when he's clearly drawn to trucks. 

I'm just saying that I think we we put way too much emphasis on gender in this society. Maybe down the line our child will want to tell us that s/he is transgender, and I want him/her to feel okay with that and just in general not feel like it's supposed to be one certain way, or a set of certain ways. While that socialization obviously primarily comes after birth, I like setting the precedent for that while in the formation stages in the uterus. I'm already sending messages.

Plus, at the superficial level, there's the whole thing of all the baby blue and pink that you get on everything when you know the gender. What about the spectrum of colors? I don't even like pastel! I like primary colors! Give me some green and purple over light blue and light pink any day!

And, though I'm so appreciative of all that technology offers us in terms of increasing the safety of deliveries and maternal/baby health, I also think there are some things that should just be left to nature, and I like the idea of a child coming out and Mo being there to help to catch it, saying excitedly, 'It's a boy!' or 'It's a girl!' 

So, there's your long-winded answer to say that no, we will not be finding out the gender. I find gender to be a fascinating thing to discuss, so please feel free to ask questions!

In the In-Between

I feel like I'm in this weird stage of pregnancy right now. I've moved past the tiredness (phew) and I never got sick (double phew), but I'm not yet showing and I can't feel anything.

So people ask me how it's going, and I say, "Fine, I guess." I guess I have to go with the 'ole 'No news is good news' adage on this one. 

I think it's partially because we opted to tell people so early. I mean, who are we kidding -- secrets are not a strength of Mo's or mine. If it's really important to someone else to keep something quiet, sure. It's just that we ourselves are not the private types -- we like to include people in things. But since we've been telling people for two over two months already, it's already old news, and yet there's no proof. (Well, we do have the ultrasound, and I DID get super tired, and even last night I did sleep 10.5 hours, but you know ... no belly!! Okay, fine, I do have a belly, but that's the same belly I've always had!)

Speaking of ultrasound, my friend Meriah the super-blogger gave me a tip on how to get a photo of it on here. Let's see if I get it to work.

There s/he is -- little Blueberry. A month ago already! S/he is already the size of an apple this week! (Mo's mom is thoroughly amused by this tracking by food size thing that Baby Center tells us each week. She doesn't read the emails but asks Mo each week and then comments about us young people in sort of an amused voice...)

So anyway, back to this in-between-ness. Mo keeps asking if I've posted on Facebook about my pregnancy yet or if I've shared the blog beyond my parents and two friends. Somehow, since it feels like nothing is happening, and despite the fact that we've passed the first trimester mark, I just can't bring myself to be 'that public' (um, even though pretty much everyone knows already -- at least those in the Bay Area) until after I have my next doctor's appointment next Monday.

Weird, I know. But I need more proof that something's happening.

A Mother Blessing

I just came from a Mother's Blessing celebration. 

'What is that?', you ask.

Well, it's a pretty fabulous alternative to a baby shower. The emphasis is more on the mother -- showering her with wisdom and blessings as she's about to begin her journey of motherhood -- and less on the baby, who already gets lots of attention. We were all asked to bring a bead to add to a necklace that she'll wear for the birth for inspiration, thus carrying her loved ones with her into the labor process.

It's always so interesting to me how we all bring something different to a situation, particularly one in which we're asked to do something very specific like bring a bead for the necklace. Everyone had their own take on what to offer to her -- some more focused on the birth process and what would be helpful then, some focused more on what kind of a person she is and therefore what she will carry on to her baby, some more on a reflection of the friendship between the mother and the person offering the bead. In the end, it was one of the more beautiful (albeit eclectic) necklaces you've seen, and I know that it will offer her much strength and inspiration as she faces the challenges and wonder of birth.

I was really struck as I was there at how wonderful it is to be in a roomful of women. We had a ton of healthy, tasty food (on the healthier side than normal since the mother is vegan), there was nothing but love flowing through the room, and everyone had nothing but encouragement and beautiful thoughts about bringing children into this world. We all worked together to make the necklace work, sharing stories as we worked.

It was refreshing. I wish our society could have more recognition for the power of motherhood and the power that is created among women. And I'm not talking about muscle-wielding power here. I'm talking about power that is strong in ties and relationships, based in love and connection, with a focus on equity and justice. That's the kind of power we need more of in this world, and blessing a mother-to-be is a good place to start.

Numerology

It occurred to me that I hadn't mentioned when Blueberry's inner part of the journey is scheduled to end.

It depends on who you ask.

When we first found out I was pregnant, I entered the required information into the online calculator, and it came up as March 13, much to Mo's delight. Why, you ask? Because that's his birthday, and he thinks that would be a fabulous birthday present.

On the other hand, Kaiser (our hospital) has assigned March 11, based on giving them the same date that I entered online.

Yet I'm pretty sure that the conception date, based on my careful tracking, was somewhere around the 20th or 21st of June, which would make a due date March 20th or 21st.

In any case, it's all a gamble anyway. Since I'm already surrounded by March birthdays (Mo, my brother David, his partner Sara, and several friends), I'm already the outcast and have resigned myself to the fact that someone else is joining the March Birthday Club, leaving me out even further.

So, I think it's fair to ask that Blueberry at least have the decency to join the world on an even-numbered day of the month. You may or may not know this, but I have a very strong thing against odd numbers. I'm not really sure why, particularly since I tend to like things and people that are odd, but I've always harbored resentment against those pesky odd numbers. (Though I'm occasionally willing to concede 5 as an honorary even number, depending on my mood, since it so evenly breaks down each set of ten numbers.) Since Mo & I decided to get married on New Year's Day in 2009, I already have an anniversary of 1/1/2009. Look at all those odd numbers! Ah! My birthday is such a fantastic combination of even numbers -- 10/26/76. Isn't it pretty? So smooth in its execution. So, since Blueberry will already be born in the 3rd month of the year 2011, all I ask for is an even number between the 3 & the 11. 

I think that's fair.

The Road to Blueberry

Well, here we are. Pregnant. For real. Not a joke.

It's so bizarre!


How'd we get to be here?


Well, the tables turned. That's how. For the longest time, Mo was the baby crazy one, and I was putting him off. At the beginning of this year, I started doing the math of how old our parents would be at certain childhood milestones, I was totally fed up with my job, and everyone else was getting pregnant! So then I flipped the tables and said I was ready, which is when Mo decided to freak out!

You may not know this, but part of our decision to go to Pakistan when we had the opportunity with Mo's family was because we were ready to start trying for a kid and had originally planned to go at the end of the year. I didn't want to start trying until after we'd been to Pakistan, so when the opportunity presented itself, we jumped on it. And then, um, jumped on trying for a baby when we got back!


Mo figured it would take us a while, since he'd spent a good 50% of his waking adult life sitting in a hot tub and I had banned him from them as soon as we started trying. 


Therefore, when I sat him down at dinner the weekend after the 4th of July and told him I thought we should stop at the drug store on the way home to get a pregnancy test, he thought I was totally pulling his leg. 

Not so much.

While I kept feeling like we should take another test (the package we got had five, I think, and we only used one!), I also knew that other things were confirming what the test was telling us. Like the fact that one week later, I suddenly had far less energy than I have ever had.


I think Tara explained it best when she says that she was freaked out because she thought that if anybody could fend off the first trimester tiredness, it would be me. Alas, the first trimester tiredness is indefatigable (pun intended). I've proven it here, folks. Energizer Bunny Katie could not believe how flat-out tired I was. I mean, I'd seen my friends go through it, but of course you assume they're somewhat over-exaggerating until you do it yourself. Turns out they weren't. I apologize, all ye fabulous pregnant (or previously pregnant) friends.

So yes, it's true. I've spent the past two months as a couch potato, addicted to talent reality shows. (Okay, and one that has nothing to do with talent, but I won't tell you which one!)


A few weeks ago, we had our first ultrasound that confirmed that no, I wasn't just having some freakish bout of no periods and tiredness. This little thing that was only the size of a kumquat at the time actually had arms & legs and was moving around in me! It was amazing!!


Um, I'll try to upload a photo here, but it didn't seem to work (I think cuz I have it as a PDF and not a JPG) -- I'm a neophyte at this whole blogging thing. Instead, here's a blueberry for you to imagine how small it once was!

At this point, I'm almost out of the first trimester, which is hard to believe. We're lucky to be surrounded by new parents and other pregnant friends. (Two that had babies in the last four months -- one first child and one second -- and seven -- yes, you read that right -- pregnant friends. And Mo read today that there's been a drop in babies since the recession! P'shaw!) So, that means that we're getting all kinds of fabulous advice and support.


And now that we're almost 'out of the woods', we're going to have to start figuring some things out.


I look forward to sharing this journey with you!